March 24, 2003

This is the fourth or fifth day of the war I think. It seems like forever since it started. Oh Amy I am in a horrible place! Even the sky looks dead. We just passed through a sandstorm the last couple of days. It blinded everything. I was not able to see for ten feet in any direction. We felt smothered and it got into my goggles as I slept. Who knows but that the enemy was only a few feet away. There was no way to tell so we just sat in our vehicles and tried to sleep.

Our attack came to a halt even though we know we are now deep into the enemy domain. The wind howled and shrieked all the day through. I am completely empty of any good feeling this morning. I wish that you were able to come and rescue me like you used to do in school. It is as if a part of me has died, the good part. I remember once when you and I were singing Puff the Magic Dragon with the kids. When it came to the part that said, “dragons live forever but not so little boys,” it made you sad. You said that it made you think of Nathan growing up. You were afraid of him not being little anymore.

Well if there is a point in life where the boy in a man dies I feel I have reached it. I am afraid that it is gone and will be hard to find again. Things that I have done or not done here shame me. I slept last night among the freshly dead. There was a battle here less than a day ago. About 200 Iraqis foolishly thought they could stop us here right after the storm. They attacked with poorly aimed RPGs yet managed to kill one corpsman. Then our tanks swept up on either side and slaughtered them. The tanks have rolled on and we stayed to secure the area.

We slept in the same fighting holes where they had laid in wait for us. I widened mine with one of their shovels. We slept amid piles of their bread, little, silver tea pots, clothing and personal belongings. Worst of all we slept among THEM. From where I sit this morning I can see two of them a few feet away. I don’t think that I shall describe them but I am sure that they will remain in my memory. More than a hundred others lie just over the berm. The dozen or so survivors sit on the ground surrounded by concertina wire and armed marines. All the night long I felt their presence. It is a sensation difficult to describe.

All that I could think about was of a picture of me on my mission surrounded by children. That boy looks so innocent and pure in the picture. He does not seem to be around right now and I don’t know if he will come back. I just feel empty. Last night they attacked again. The fire fight lasted maybe ten minutes. I could not see them well. We either killed them or they left. During it all I was not afraid. I am not afraid of losing my life, I am afraid of losing my soul.

I don’t know what the future will be like. Georgia is my hope. The Lord will not forsake me but have I forsaken Him? Please keep loving me no matter what. I have little of merit for all the love that my family has for me but I need it. I love you Amy.